"I want to get a tattoo," Taeyong says.
Doyoung looks up from his phone.
"What?"
"I said," Taeyong mumbles, "I want one. A tattoo."
It takes him a moment.
[["Huh." Doyoung says.->1.5]]
"I think it's fine," Doyoung says, taking his elbows off his knees and leaning back into Taeyong's chair. He's been sitting here for who knows how long now. "If you really want to do it, you should."
Taeyong's eyes light up a little. "You think it's a good idea?"
Doyoung doesn't particularly have an opinion on tattoos himself, but he does agree that whatever Taeyong believes is a good idea for himself is a good idea.
(display: "11")"Hmm..." Doyoung purses his lips. "I don't know. You know there are mixed opinions about things like that."
Taeyong straightens in his seat. The response catches him off guard. What does Doyoung have against tattoos? People nowadays are...generally open minded, aren't they? Is he thinking of company regulations? It's not written explicitly anywhere that it's against the rules, and Taeyong thinks he's at a point in his career where he's allowed some freedom to make his own choices about his image. Besides, he's prepared. He'd already asked his manager and gotten the okay.
"Why?" He asks simply, "I don't see a problem with it."
"I mean, getting one is technically illegal," Doyoung's brows are furrowed.
"Yeah, but you know that means nothing. People find ways around it all the time."
Doyoung thinks about it. "Hmm. Is right now really the time?"
"We're on break, aren't we? What better time?"
"I guess so."
"It feels right to me, Doyoungie. Now feels right. I don't know what you're worried about."
Doyoung studies him. "Seems like you already made up your mind."
"More or less, yeah."
Doyoung thinks hard. "Maybe I am worrying too much. I have nothing against tattoos, don't get me wrong."
"I know."
(display: "11")Doyoung thinks about it.
"I don't really know. You should do what you want to do."
Taeyong props his elbow on the table, leans his head into his hand. "I know what I want to do, but I'm seeking your opinion."
"Hmm..." Doyoung hums.
(display: "11")Doyoung doesn't mind. Taeyong sounds serious, even if he's trying to not take himself too seriously. It sounds important. Even if it wasn't, he would still gladly listen. He doesn't really understand the cryptic talk—though he certainly has ideas—but he knows Taeyong is going somewhere.
He twirls his phone in his hand. "That sounds really cool. It really does. If you've thought so much, then you should do it."
"Yeah?"
"Are you scared of the pain at all?"
"Maybe. I don't know what it'll be like, but I think I can handle it."
Doyoung hums. "What are you thinking of getting inked?"
Taeyong opens his mouth, then closes it on a smile. "Take a guess."
"Is it..."
(click: "Is it...")[(show:?modal)]{[
<div class="modal">
<div class="modal-content">
(align: "==><==")[<div class="box">(link: "Something aesthetic but symbolic?")[ (replace: ?modal)[(go-to: "2-2")]]</div>
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Doyoung studies his friend.
Taeyong's looking down at his wrists, laid side by side on the table in symmetrical fashion. His fists are loosely curled. The bread he was snacking on just a moment ago, just a moment before Doyoung turned his attention away—gone, nowhere in sight, the napkin crumpled in his hand the only indication that he has been doing something at all for the past ten minutes. Something besides working up the courage to voice this one thought to Doyoung. To say it out loud so somebody else can hear, can know, too. To let loose the ghosts stifled by these words, this something on his chest, greater than a passing whim.
Taeyong spins in his chair, shows him the squares of skin on his wrists.
"Here?"
He tilts his head, turns his arms around, looking for a place to call his. Technically, he knows, his whole body is his. Blank canvas. Untouched soil. But astronauts didn't simply stick a flag anywhere on the moon. There's an art to selection as much as there is art to the design, and Taeyong's already got a couple of ideas.
"Here?"
He looks up into the mirror on his table. Turns his head without looking away, brushes the hair away from his neck, mouth pursing. "Or maybe..."
He pulls down the collar of his t-shirt to reveal the peak of one collarbone. "Maybe here. Are you listening?"
"I am", Doyoung says, watching him.
"Well," Taeyong turns to him again, seeking his gaze this time. "What do you think?"
(click: "What do you think?")[(show:?modal)]{[
<div class="modal">
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(align: "==><==")[<div class="box">(link: "Good idea")[ (replace: ?modal)[(go-to: "1-1")]]</div><br>
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](modal|}"From what you said," Doyoung wets his lip, "I think it's something with a lot of meaning."
"Of course." Taeyong grins satisfactorily. "But what do you think it is?"
"Maybe something straightforward? Something people can look at and just understand. Maybe something like...
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"Is it a word? A word that you like, perhaps?"
Taeyong's eyes go wide. "Damn. How did you know?"
"Was I right?"
Taeyong looks down at his lap, grinning. "You love to just read my mind all the time."
(display: "3")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "A phrase")[(replace: ?options)[
"...a phrase. Something like your life motto. Something on the level of Yuta's 'don't worry be happy', something you don't want to forget."
Taeyong sucks in a sharp breath. "Close. You're very close, you know."
(display: "3")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "A symbol")[(replace: ?options)[
"...a symbol of some sort. Something minimal and pretty, like a peace sign, or a heart. More complex than that, obviously, but."
Taeyong bites his lip. "I thought about that too. That is very my style, I admit. But I wanted something...a little more recognizable this time, something that people could see and immediately understand. To a degree."
(display: "3")]]</div>
]]]
"From what you said," Doyoung wets his lip, "I think it's something with a lot of meaning."
"Of course." Taeyong grins satisfactorily. "But what do you think it is?"
"Maybe something symbolic? Some visual representation of your thoughts and feelings. Maybe something like...
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"A small design? Maybe a rose? I know you love roses and what they mean."
Taeyong nods. "I thought about that. But not this time. Not for my first one. I want it to mean something more."
(display: "3")]]
</div>
<div class="box">(link: "A large design")[(replace: ?options)[
"Something big? Go hard or go home?"
Taeyong laughs. "Like what, a sleeve? That's not my style."
(display: "3")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "A symbol")[(replace: ?options)[
"...a symbol of some sort. Something minimal and pretty, something that you only know the meaning of. Or it could be some sort of character from a foreign language."
Taeyong bites his lip. "I thought about that too. That is very my style, I admit. But I wanted something...a little more universally recognizable this time, something that people could see and immediately understand. To a degree."
(display: "3")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "Something abstract")[(replace: ?options)[
"...some wisps of color, or some brush strokes, something pretty and abstract. Something you've drawn, maybe?"
Taeyong thinks about it. "I did think about designing my own tattoo. I thought maybe I could even ask Ten to design it for me. Maybe if I had a drawing or a doodle of something I particularly liked. But nothing quite embodies the thoughts I have now, it's something that arose recently, so I haven't had time to...make it into something presentable. Right now, there's just this...feeling on my chest. And really, only one thing came to mind, and it felt right."
(display: "3")]]</div>
]]]"What is it?" Doyoung looks into his eyes. [["Will you tell me?"->4]]
=><=
<b>inklings of you</b>
by snapspark
Begin
(click: "Begin")[(go-to: "1")]Taeyong runs a hand slowly through his hair, wets his lip before he speaks.
"There's a word in English. I like this word a lot."
"Which?"
"이해해. Do you know?"
"이해해...'Understand', isn't it?"
"You got it," Taeyong says quietly, with a small grin.
"Wow," Doyoung says, a little breathless.
Doyoung has to sit with the knowledge for a little bit. It shocks him that it shocks him a little, but it does. He didn't know about it, wasn't aware. The fact that of all the things Taeyong could have chosen to represent himself at this point in time, of all the things that constitute what's important to him right now, he chose this. That it all boils down to this word for him. Understand. To understand. An understanding.
What a word. Latent with so much power.
Doyoung does understand. Intuitively, to a degree, he knows exactly why this word matters to his friend. But he asks anyway.
"Why this word?"
"You know how...when we were on tour in the States, when it gets busy backstage and our translator is off somewhere, sometimes the directors and staff would just speak to Johnny or Mark or all of us at once?"
"And then the two of them had to translate for us afterwards anyways?"
"Exactly. I heard it there first. They would always ask us 'do you understand?' and I don't know about you, I could definitely pick up some pieces, but I would always just say 'yes' and leave it up to Johnny and Mark to fill in the details."
Doyoung nods.
"I heard it again somewhere, when I was with SuperM in LA. It's ironic, because it's one of the few words in English I actually do understand. And I thought somewhere, wow, it's kind of amazing when that happens, when I can have somewhat of a conversation with this person who speaks another language. When we can come together and achieve...an understanding. I realized it's so important to me."
"To understand others?"
"Yeah. That's what it is. But you remember when I came back? Right after I came back, almost straight out of the airport, I had to..."
Doyoung swallows.
Taeyong hadn't told him about this 'schedule' of his. Didn't tell anyone back in Korea, but the ones who took the plane trip back with him knew the source of his anxiety and helped him through it. Still, Taeyong braved the confrontation alone. Doyoung had to see it on the news himself. The dust that's been kicked up, ghosts of the past regurgitated, a page of wrongdoings someone refused to let him flip. Defendants and oppositions to a controversy from so long ago no one could know the exact details any longer. Old scabs clawed open. The dirt on his hands the he could never wash clean. But Doyoung didn't worry back then. He knew Taeyong was stronger. Didn't hide his scars, wore them on his back with humility. He's long learned to turn the sterile feeling of shame into motivation.
Then, finally: admittances, apologies, reconciliations.
"I remember," he says, comprehension sinking in.
"I wanted to cry the whole time," Taeyong says, looking out the window at nothing in particular. "But I didn't, because I felt like I didn't deserve to. I wanted to cry for her, actually, but I was the one at fault, and I was afraid that it might seem like I was crying for myself. I had no right to speak for myself, I had to just be there to receive her emotions."
Taeyong shakes himself out of his daze, focusing his eyes back on the room, back on Doyoung.
"It was after that that the idea came to me. That Taeyong should be a person like that, a person that strives to be like that all the time, with everybody. That it's doable, with the right effort, it's always doable, and it'll always feel better at the end to come to an understanding than to live in the ignorance of some belief I hold on to. And I would willingly spend two hours to come to understand anyone who wants to be understood, anyone else from the past I hurt, whose perspective I never considered. Anyone I could still be hurting. Anyone from the future. I want to understand. I thought, Taeyong should remember to be an understanding person."
"You know. I don't know how to convey this. But I think it's really, really great. This idea, and this word."
Slowly, Taeyong breaks into a smile. "You agree?"
"Wholeheartedly."
"I want people to know. This is who I am now. This is where I am."
Doyoung chuckles. "You have this all thought out, huh?"
Taeyong relaxes back into his seat, stretching out his arms. "Not all. I just have these ideas floating in my head." He turns to Doyoung. "But hey, I need your advice."
[["What is it?"->5]]
"Where should I get it?" Taeyong asks. "I haven't decided on a place."
Doyoung thinks hard.
|options>[(align: "=><=")[
<div class="box">(link: "Wrists")[(replace: ?options)[
"Wrists would be a good place, right? I know a handful of people with self reminders tattooed on their wrists. You'll always be able to see it."
"That's true," Taeyong looks down at his wrist again, brushing a thumb over the patch of skin this time. "But it's not just a self reminder, I think. I want it to be seen by others, too."
(display: "6")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "Behind ear")[(replace: ?options)[
"What about here?"
Doyoung tilts his head, taps a finger at the bone behind his ear.
Taeyong's eyes go wide. "I've never considered there. My ears are sensitive, wouldn't it really hurt? And besides, my hair is always covering it."
"Oh," Doyoung says, "you want it somewhere visible?"
"Yeah. I want it to be seen, I think."
(display: "6")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "Back of neck")[(replace: ?options)[
"What about the back of your neck? That's stylish, isn't it?"
Taeyong shivers, and he has to hug his arms. "Did you know that's supposed to be one of the spots that hurts the most? It's right on your nerves and bones. It's pretty, but...I don't know. I thought about it, though. But I feel like it would easily get covered by my hair, or a collar."
"You want it somewhere visible?"
"Yeah. I want it to be seen, I think."
(display: "6")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "Ankles")[(replace: ?options)[
"How about your ankles? On the side."
Taeyong thinks about it. "Hmm...that's super discreet. I would get an ankle tattoo if it was a cute little design of something. Maybe a little rose in the future. But not for this one I think. I want it somewhere where people can see it, where I can see it."
(display: "6")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "Above elbows")[(replace: ?options)[
Doyoung thinks really, really hard.
"Maybe...somewhere on your arms?" He mumbles pensively.
Taeyong's brows are furrowed in concentration, too. "Yeah...I was thinking arms, too. Maybe the wrist, maybe on the side, here," he points.
"I was thinking here," Doyoung sticks out his elbow, pointing to the spot above it. "Either the front of your arm, or the back. Above this joint."
Taeyong raises an eyebrow. "That's an odd place. Creative." He strokes his chin. "But it'll be easily seen, that's for sure."
(display: "6")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "Side of ribs")[(replace: ?options)[
"You could get it on your side, over your ribs."
Taeyong runs a hand across the spot over his shirt. "Not bad...it would be pretty. But I think I'd want it somewhere more visible."
"Oh," Doyoung says, "you want it to be seen?"
"Yeah. I kind of...want people to know without having to wear a sheer shirt, or take my clothes off."
Doyoung laughs.
(display: "6")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "Under collarbones")[(replace: ?options)[
"You pointed out here earlier," Doyoung points to the spot beneath his own collarbone. "Why not here?"
"I was thinking about it," Taeyong says. "Wouldn't that be really pretty?"
"It would."
"I could get it here. But I don't know how visible it will be."
"You want it somewhere visible?"
"Yeah, I want it to be seen."
(display: "6")]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "Over the heart")[(replace: ?options)[
"You know...if it's that important to you, you could put it where it matters. Here." He pats his chest. "Over your heart."
"Ohh," Taeyong sits up straighter. "That's a good place. That's a really good place." He bites his lip. "But I don't know if it does the trick for me. I would if it was just a self reminder, but it's more than that. I want it to be seen by others, too."
(display: "6")]]</div>
]]
"To be seen..." Doyoung mutters to himself.
"Yeah. This tattoo...it's not just something put somewhere to remind myself, because <i>I'll know</i> it's there, I don't have to see it all the time to know. But I do want others to know, too, it's not just for myself to see. I want it to be visible at first glance, something I wear, for myself, for the world. For anyone who is looking, who is willing to look, I want it to be there."
Doyoung nods. It makes a lot of sense.
"Because it goes both ways, doesn't it?" Taeyong says, looking up at Doyoung. "To achieve unity, to establish that connection, I need to understand, and to be understood."
The statement hangs in the air for a little bit.
"Damn," Doyoung exhales. "You've put a lot of thought into this."
"It's good, isn't it?" Taeyong says through a self-satisfied smirk.
"I love it, honestly."
"There's more, wanna hear?"
[["Please."->7]]
"I kind of want it on my arm." Taeyong says, "Because I don't want it to just be there for show. I want this word to drive me to do something with these hands, to propel me to act. I want to <i>do</i> something with this knowledge."
Right then, an idea comes to Doyoung.
"Why not get it on both arms?"
Taeyong cocks his head. "Twice? Two of them?"
"No, I mean, you could write half the word on one arm, and the other half on the other."
Taeyong pauses while the idea unfurls in his mind. Something clicks, like flowers blooming in a barren field, a splash of color in a monochrome world, lights coming on.
He meets Doyoung's eyes, something akin to excitement swimming in his own. "I like that. I like that a lot. I've never thought about separating it."
Doyoung smiles lightly. "Wouldn't it make sense? It takes two to come together after all, to achieve an understanding.
Taeyong drums a hand on the table. "You're a genius."
Doyoung's grin stretches. "Tell me something I don't know."
"I got it."
"What."
"On the back of the arms. Like wings."
Doyoung laughs. "Wings don't grow there."
"I know. But it reminded me of it somehow. Besides, it wouldn't be visible if I did it on my shoulder blades. Here, all I'd have to do is wear short sleeves, which I do almost all the time anyway. And I'll know it's there, and people will be able to see it even if I can't see it myself."
"There you go. You got your answer."
"Thank you. I knew I came to the right person. Can you believe it? My first tattoo. I'm suddenly so excited."
"I know." Doyoung chuckles. "I can tell."
[[Taeyong's watching him, stars in his eyes.->8]]"Would you come with me?" Taeyong whispers.
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"Of course. Any time."
"I'm thinking soon. We're on break and now would be the perfect time. I know a place, and it's near somewhere else I want to go. I have a bag I want to buy. Either way, you'll come?"
"Yeah, I'll come."
Taeyong grins. He sticks out a foot, nudging at Doyoung's shin. "You'll hold my hand if it hurts too bad?"
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<div class="box">(link: "Yes")[(replace: ?options)[
Doyoung laughs out loud. "If you want me to."
"To be honest, I'm a little afraid of needles. I'm a little bit scared of the pain right now. I feel like I might yell, or something," Taeyong confesses.
"Maybe I should get you a stress ball to squeeze instead of my hand."
"It's not about the hand," Taeyong sighs. "It's about the emotional support."
"I know. I'll be there, okay?"
"Okay." He grins, sated.
They both turn back to their phones. Now that Taeyong's gotten that off his chest, it's just another afternoon of Doyoung hanging out in his room, the two of them doing their own things together. Taeyong scrolls his Twitter, feeling light, like a dandelion seed, supported by the wind, going higher. He's going to get a tattoo. He's excited to show his idea to the world, and glad that he has someone who agrees with him.
He clicks into a video of a cat, is watching it jump off the back of a sofa and fall when Doyoung speaks again.
"You know, I'm really proud of you."
Taeyong looks up. "For what?"
Doyoung is grinning, eyes on his phone, thumbs tapping away. "Nothing in particular. Just for being you, I guess. Especially nowadays."
Taeyong is at a loss for words. Thank you? Me too? I'm proud of you as well? The words get stuck in his throat.
"Don't just say that to me," he mumbles, cheeks going a little red.
"Why not?"
"Don't," Taeyong breathes, something stirring in his chest.
"I say what I want."
"My room, my rules."
"There are rules now, huh?"
"Yup."
"Guess I'll find someone else to hang out with."
"Fine."
"Fine," Doyoung says, shutting up.
He doesn't move an inch. Doesn't look like he has any intention of moving a muscle. Doesn't even lift his eyes from his phone. Taeyong makes a mental note. Considers calling him out on it, but it doesn't really matter enough for the effort. Besides, they both understand the sentiment has already registered.
It's the last thing they say to each other for a while, replaced by a comfortable silence.
<b>The end</b>
Replay?
(click: "Replay?")[(go-to: "Start")]
]]</div>
<div class="box">(link: "No")[(replace: ?options)[
"No, you big baby."
"Wow. Mean?"
Doyoung rolls his eyes. "Of course I would."
Taeyong humphs. "I don't need you to anyway. What am I, five? It'll be over in no time."
Doyoung scoffs. "Sure. We'll see."
Taeyong turns back to his phone. Now that he's gotten that off his chest, it's just another afternoon of Doyoung hanging out in his room, the two of them doing their own things together.
"We <i>will</i> see." He mumbles, clicking open a video of a cat on his timeline. "Everyone will see, and I'm going to love it."
<b>The end</b>
Replay?
(click: "Replay?")[(go-to: "Start")]
]]</div>]]</div>
"You know," Doyoung says slowly, "I would, if it was anything else. But I'm <i>terrified</i> of needles, did you know?"
Taeyong's brow rises. "I didn't. You? <i>Scared</i>?"
"Yeah."
"You of all people? I thought you were afraid of nothing."
"Well. When I was young...it's a long story. But I'm sorry, I can't. The idea alone makes me..." He shivers.
"Oh...I see." Taeyong's says quietly.
"Sorry." Doyoung looks at him. "Are you disappointed?"
"Yeah, I am. A little."
In his mind, he saw himself going to the parlour with Doyoung, Doyoung sitting beside him while he lies there as the artist works, Doyoung (maybe) holding his hand if it hurts, telling him random stories about how he's been lately while Taeyong was away in LA, anything to distract his mind from the pain.
But it's alright, he can always ask someone else, or go alone. He can do that, too.
"But you should definitely show me when it's done. I can't wait to see." Doyoung gives him an apologetic smile.
"I will. I'll do my best."
Taeyong turns back to his phone. For a while, he scrolls through his handful of contacts, but decides that ultimately he would go alone, or with a manager. He wants it to be a surprise to everyone, a secret, wants it to be seen first in its completion, in its healed form, on stage.
He wonders how long he can hide his gauzed up arms. Good thing they don't have schedules for a while.
<b>The end</b>
Replay?
(click: "Replay?")[(go-to: "Start")]"It would be nice, wouldn't it? Whatever you come up with, I'm sure it'll look pretty."
"Uhh, I sure hope it'll look nice," Taeyong laughs, "after all, it's stuck on me forever."
"Forever," Doyoung repeats. The word rolls off his tongue like a marble, then dissipates into the air, as intangible in form as in concept. "I don't know if I can ever commit to something forever."
"It doesn't have to be like that," Taeyong says, folding his arms together on his lap. "I'm not getting one for the sake of forever, I'm not even thinking about how I'll feel about it when I'm an old man. I want one for the now. Right now. It feels like the right time." He breathes. "Y'know?"
"And besides, I mean, some tattoos just kind of disappear after a while. You get it and then it becomes a part of you, you stop thinking about it, you don't even notice it anymore. It's like looking down and seeing your legs. You know they're there, but you don't really have to think about them."
"That's fair," Doyoung replies. "Do you want something like that? Something that..." <i>Disappears</i>, he thinks, but he doesn't say. "Blends into you?"
Taeyong thinks about it.
"No...yes? It's more than that for me, actually. I don't want it to be just decoration, like an earring that you can't remove. It means a little more to me than that. Nowadays a lot of things mean a lot to me, and this is one of them."
"I see. You've been thinking about it for a long time then?"
"Not really. It just came to me recently, actually, the idea. After some recent events, I mean. But it's not a whim, I swear. It came to me quickly but suddenly it feels extremely important."
As Doyoung listens, it occurs to him that Taeyong is not really seeking his opinion as much as he is seeking agreement--Doyoung can tell, in his mind, Taeyong's already made a decision. Now, it seems he's merely laying his blueprints on the table and justifying his designs. Maybe the idea has already taken form, and the excitement is eating away at him, to the point where he couldn't contain the secret anymore. Maybe he just wanted to share, like an effervescent spring, spilling over.
It makes Doyoung smile. So he listens. "I see."
Taeyong nods, looking lost in thought. "I thought...I thought maybe I should record this somehow. It's not really a revelation, I hit that years ago. It's more like a...renewed conviction. I want to see this for myself, and I get the feeling that other people also want to know. People want to know that I get it, that I'm not a buffoon anymore. That I've been through the stages of repentance, and this is the scar from it all that I have to carry. I've been writing about this for four, five years, after all."
[[He laughs finally, to dispel the heaviness in the air.->2]]